Heart Captured

We all have walls we put around our heart to keep it protected. Some of these walls may just be picket fences while others are are comparable to the wall of China. There comes a time when a person walks right up to those walls with a key and gets through your defenses without a fight. How they do it, is the question hanging in the air. Once they are in the inner sanctum of your heart they seem to leave a piece of themselves. This piece stays as a reminder of the presence they had in your life. This is where fairy tales begin. Heartache begins in the same place, because sometimes you are lucky enough to hold the key through their defenses, but sometimes you are left outside pounding on a door which will never be answered. 

There will come another who will holds a key to get through again, and you may be able to get through to them or not. At some point there will come a time  where each person will hold a key or be strong enough to break through the walls. Then your very own fairy tale will begin with its own challenges and obstacles but you will have someone there with you to be your support in the good and the bad. There will be more defenses to go through and mountains to climb. It won't be an easy journey, but your heart has been captured and you have captured someone's. Make the most of it, and don't give up through the journey of discovering who that person will be.

Its the Lords plan, not mine.

I was thinking today about where I would be if I followed my plans in my life. It scares me to think about it sometimes. I don't like looking down that road long. Then I look at the opposite side of the coin. Where I am now because of the guidance from my Father in Heaven. Its true there were and still are many times I don't listen right away. I think of all the other options even though I know what felt right the first time. I wait for a confirmation, I keep searching hoping for something more concrete to walk upon in my journey. The concrete seems to show up the most though after I have put my whole body weight where I am hoping the concrete will be.

An example of this has happened in the last few months. I have been on an interesting journey to say the least. It all starts in the summer of 2008. I was in the Nauvoo Brass Band on a service mission. I was playing my trombone, and having the time of my life. That summer I was changed in ways I never thought possible. This decision lead me to serve a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Houston, Texas. There are not words in any human language that can express the transformation that happened inside of me while I spent those eighteen months in Texas. Was it grueling, yes it was. Was I tired most of the time, oh yes. Did I make mistakes, every single day, probably every hour or minute. Was it worth every footstep, bike pedal, and drop of sweat. YES it was!

I had no idea the changes that were going to come in my life. I could not even fathom the possibility. Heavenly Father makes good things into better things, and better things into great things, and great things into perfection through His Son, the Savior of the world. That is what happened He took me, someone who was basically good, and molded me into something a little better. He does that for each of us each day if we let him.

The next set of this journey fast forwards 16 months. I realized I would not be able to go to Nauvoo again because I was going to be to old. I thought about it, prayed about it, and weighed out the pros and cons. I focused on myself and the goals I wanted. I luckily had a good friend who encouraged me to audition. I sent in my audition tape two days before it was due on the desk. It made it. I got call-back auditions. I found a place to live, and it seemed perfect. How could I leave, how could I skip school and working over the summer? These were all questions plaguing me. I started again to focus on what my plan for myself was, I focused on me.

I went to Institute and the teacher taught about sacrifice and the sacrifice he made to serve 18 more months than was asked of him originally. I remembered some dreams I had. I went to the temple the next day, and while there I lost focus of my plan and saw a small part of someone else's plan for me. I was able to glimpse my Heavenly Fathers plan for me. I decided on that day that if I made it into the Nauvoo Brass Band I would go and I would quit asking myself questions about how my plan would be fulfilled, and focus on how the Lord's plan would be fulfilled.

I found out yesterday that I did in fact make it into the Nauvoo Brass Band. I will be serving for just under 4 months as a service missionary in Nauvoo once again. I feel so peaceful, and excited. I feel a purpose coming into my being that I lacked for a while. I felt like I was drifting in the ocean with only a life jacket to keep me from sinking sometimes. There were other times where I was in a boat rowing as fast as I could in the direction I thought I should be heading as well. The best thing to do though is not drift, and not row in your own place, but to let Heavenly Father use the wind and the currents to take you where He needs you to be. I am so very grateful for the gentle nudging, and endless course corrections my Father in Heaven provides for me. He has a plan for us and it is perfect, and wonderful.

I just had these feelings bursting out of my heart and wanting to fall somewhere besides my pillow. "Man is that they might have joy." We can have that joy if we quit self-guiding ourselves and listen to that still small voice which leaves no confusion. God loves each of us, and knows our needs. This I do know for myself.

Finding Peace

During a week of turmoil, stress of failure, and lack of the essentials such as food or sleep, I was able to find a little slice of peace today. Its amazing the emotions that do come out when I take the time to sincerely ponder in my own thoughts. I have been pondering a lot the last few days. One of the main themes I have been asking myself is where is my foundation of faith? I went through and thought about the faith I had in daily study of the word of God, and daily prayer. I also have faith in keeping the Sabbath day holy, tithing, fasting, and many other things. One of my friends brought up a very significant point that made me stop and rethink where I was on life. He told me that I was not as good as I thought I was. At first I felt a little offended. My thoughts were that I was trying my best to show everyone how good I really was. As this thought kept going through my mind I realized the huge flaw that was in my thought process.

Life is not about showing others how good you are or how bad you are. It is not about being impressive to your friends or colleagues. It is not about hiding your imperfections from the world so you feel good about yourself. It is not about doing things on your own. I will tell you some of my thoughts about what life really is about. Life is about being who you are where you are in the moment and not trying to hide it from the world. Life is about making mistake,s sometimes big one,s and repenting and learning and growing. Life is about helping others to know the Savior. Life is about coming to know on a very personal basis, Jesus Christ, the Redeemer of the world. The entire purpose of life is to gain this relationship, and testimony that is so strong that everything will either fall into place or fall out of your life.

These questions really helped me refocus my attention on the Savior. It helped remind me that no matter how many commandments or rules I keep, no matter how many times I go to church and refrain from making a mistake, non of that really matters unless all my efforts are pointing to Jesus Christ. I feel like I have been doing things backwards a little. The Savior comes first, that relationship is what helps us with everything else in our lives. I want to know my Redeemer on a more personal level so that I can always trust Him. That is what life is about.

One Paragraph Girl

So I like the idea of writing down thoughts and feelings on a blog because even though no one reads it, I still feel like maybe someone out there is caring what those thoughts of mine are. I have decided though that I am a one paragraph type of girl. I don't share what is inside my heart very often. I rarely share my fears with people, even close friends. I sometimes share my accomplishments but only to those I am closest with. My dad and mom probably know me better than any human living on this earth. I turn to them and talk to them about what is going on in my life. I don't feel there is anything wrong with being a one paragraph girl, just something I noticed about my writing styles in my life.

Temple peace=spiritual peace.

There have been many times in my life that I feel anxious. I will feel anxious or concerned, and generally those are things that are out of my control. I have found some ways that I have been able to find that peace. One of the ways is to go to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Attending church is an amazing way that I have found peace in my life. Another main way is by attending the temple. There is a certain peace that seems to engulf my troubled soul and wash away any worry or doubt in my life. This is because I am entering the House of the Lord, and it seems that the Spirit helps me to see His eternal view in small portions. This helps me to know that there is a specific plan for me. I am known.

Sunday Thoughts

I was having a discussion with some of my friends yesterday evening and there were some profound thoughts shared. One of them shared was that there is a quote that goes around saying it is better to be feared then loved. She then changed it to it is easier for a teacher or a coach to be feared then it is for them to gain the love of those around them. I thought that was an interesting thought.

Another topic of discussion that was shared was this. I posed the question of what is your core motivation for what you do in your life. It was an interesting topic of discussion that has made me think throughout today about what is my core motivation and if I was satisfied with where it was at. Just some interesting thoughts to ponder about.

Home at Last but not for long.....

I have recently returned from serving a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been home for two months today. This has been the strangest two months of my life. It has been weird to be able to actually start to look at males as actual human beings. I have not had a job or school so I have had a lot of free time on my hands to spend time with my family and to think about life in general. It really has just been an interesting discovery process. Now I am heading back to school at Snow College to start a new chapter in my book of life. I am nervous to go back to school. Thus far I have had my sisters as my friends but I will soon have to make my own friends and lots of them. Wish me luck!